


Tea, Elixir and Rumors of Death

by Calacious



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Community: hc_bingo, Episode Tag, M/M, Psychic, Sex Pollen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-26
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-04-15 00:05:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4585341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calacious/pseuds/Calacious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barney ponders what it would be like to parent a child with Ted, well after Ted says, no, and, to help Ted see reason, he visits a psychic's shop and purchases an elixir that is supposed to help reveal the truth - a truth that Barney already sees.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from the show, "How I Met Your Mother," and am making no profit, monetary or otherwise, through the online posting of this work of fiction.
> 
> A/N: Written for the h/c bingo square - sex pollen. Mentions non-explicit sexual relations between two male characters. References made to episode 11 of the 7th season, "The Rebound Girl," which inspired this almost as much as the whole concept of sex pollen. I hope you enjoy reading (please let me know if you do).

Barney Stinson is not a complicated man. He wears suits. He likes sex, and women, and his best friend, Ted.

Sex with Ted is not something that he's ever given any serious consideration to, because, well, he isn't gay. Neither is Ted – their whole drunken conversation about adopting a baby together notwithstanding.

They'd been drunk, had been on the losing side of sex and love for quite a while at the time, and hadn't been thinking clearly. Because, they were drunk. In the light of day, the idea of adopting a baby together had turned out not to be as good an idea as Barney had initially thought it would be. Or at least that's what Ted had said.

Barney hasn't quite let go of the idea though. He's been watching Ted – covertly of course – and knows that Ted has all the makings of a wonderful father.

He's patient, loyal, strict, and forgiving…all of the things that Barney isn't. On the other hand, Barney is spontaneous, unique, fun, stylish, and diverse…all of the things Ted isn't. Together, they'd be legend…wait for it…dary fathers. Barney knows this, but, he doesn't know how to explain it all to Ted.

So, when he happens upon Madame Curio's shop in a dark, out of the way alley, and she offers him this 'elixir' that's supposed to help clear someone's mind, and make communication easier, Barney knows what he has to do.

He only partially listens to her warnings about how this elixir, made from some exotic pollen, has some potentially hazardous side effects, and may awaken feelings, as well as desires that people have no business awakening, and which can change the course of a person's life – not always for the better.

She offers to read his palm, but Barney isn't interested. He waves on his way out the door, purchase in hand, and, she catches him by the wrist, pulls his hand to her, and peers at it closely. Her sharp intake of breath, as well as the way she crosses herself, and then gives Barney a wide smile and kisses him on the cheek, make Barney's stomach drop.

She says something rapidly; in a language Barney doesn't recognize – Rumanian, Czech, Russian – and pulls him in for a hug.

"You give," she says in broken English, "you give this to your …man."

She folds his fingers around the brown paper bag which holds the elixir, and Barney feels as though ice water's been poured down his back. His fingertips and toes start to tingle, and his scalp starts to itch. A wind sweeps through the room, swirls around the two of them, and then everything goes eerily still.

"Put in tea," she adds, and then she releases him, and putters around the dusty shop, muttering to herself.

Dumbstruck, Barney stands, rooted to the spot, watching as she pulls out drawer after drawer, and measures this and that into another brown bag. This one's smaller, and is clearly marked as 'tea', in fancy calligraphy.

She pushes the bag into Barney's hand, wrapping his fingers around it. "Here, you take…on…house." She smiles at him, and Barney, at a loss for words, nods. He pulls out his wallet to pay for the tea anyway, but she waves him off.

"No, no, you take…mix elixir into tea, you drink, your friend drink," she says. "All be good, you see." She nods, her head bobbing up and down like some crazed bobble head, and before Barney fully realizes what's happening, he's being pushed out the door and onto the street.

Barney heads toward Ted's place, his feet leading him there without any conscious thought. The bag holding the tea is light, smells like cinnamon, cloves, vanilla and something earthy. It smells like Ted. It's a very curious thing, and Barney wonders how the woman knew to mix these particular herbs together as she'd seen very precise in her choices and measurements.

Barney uses the stairs, taking them two at a time. For some reason there's an inexplicable spring to his step, and lightness in his heart – all spurred on by the scent of the tea, and the heft of the bag holding the elixir.

There's an odd sense of déjà-vu when Barney raises his hand to knock on Ted's door, and his friend answers, pulling the door open, before his knuckles can even so much as brush against the wood. Barney opens his mouth to say something clever, but nothing comes out. Before he can even fully register what's happening, or why his heart is pounding fit to burst right out of his chest, Ted pulls him into the apartment, patting him down as though he's expecting Barney to have a gun or a knife on his person.

"Would you stop molesting me?" Barney frowns, and pushes Ted away. He places the two bags on the coffee table, and makes a big deal of straightening his jacket and tie.

"Where have you been?" Ted demands.

Barney is a little taken aback, especially when he sees that Ted's face is flushed, and he's shaking. Ted paces in the living room, and Barney perches on the arm of the sofa and watches as his friend walks from one end of the couch to the other. Every now and again Ted casts a look at him, and opens his mouth as if to say something, but then closes it with an almost audible snap.

Barney isn't sure how to answer the question, because telling Ted where he really was, and what he was doing is just not going to happen. He doubts that Ted would understand about Madame Curio and the elixir, and why he wants to give it to Ted. He doesn't even really understand why he's doing what he's doing.

"What's wrong?" he asks, shirking away when Ted rounds on him and grabs him by the shoulders.

"I thought you were dead."

Barney blinks, and sputters, but doesn't resist when Ted pulls him into a hug. He wraps his arms around Ted, and squeezes. The kiss – just a quick peck on the cheek – happens as a matter of course, and both of them stiffen.

Ted pulls away first, wipes at the spot on his cheek where Barney kissed him, and Barney looks at the floor. He isn't sure how he should be feeling, but he doubts that having butterflies in his stomach is the appropriate response. Not for a strictly straight guy.

He chances a look at Ted, and is surprised to find Ted staring at him. His friend is no longer shaking, and he's lost that fearful, flushed look. He's flushed now for another reason altogether.

"What was that for?" Ted's eyebrows scrunch together, and Barney can't help, but think that he looks adorable when he's confused.

Barney shrugs, and gestures toward the bags on the coffee table. "I got some tea," he says, feeling stupid and self-conscious as soon as the words leave his mouth.

"Okaaaay." Ted gives him a strange look, but he plucks the bags off the table and Barney follows him into the kitchen, watching as Ted whirls around the kitchen gathering mugs and setting up the coffee pot to brew the tea.

"How much?"

The question throws Barney off, because he'd been paying more attention to the way Ted's shirt bunched and pulled across his muscles as he opened and closed cupboards, than anything else. Frowning, Barney scratches the back of his neck.

"Uh, all of it?" he hadn't thought to ask Madame Curio. "Both bags."

Barney seriously hopes that he hasn't just poisoned the both of them when Ted dumps the entire contents of the tea bag into the filter. The elixir is a little trickier, but Ted, after just a moment's pause, opens the small vial and pours it into the water. He gives Barney a sheepish look, and pushes the button to turn on the coffee pot.

"So…" Ted trails off, touches his cheek where Barney had kissed him. "Uh, what was that for?"

"It's what friends do, Ted," Barney says, saying the first thing that pops into his head. "Part of the, uh," he snaps his finger, and closes the gap between himself and Ted, "gentleman's code of conduct."

"Gentleman's code of conduct?" Ted's eyebrow raises, and he laughs.

"Yeah," Barney says, and, throwing caution to the wind, he kisses Ted again, this time just a light buss on the lips. Even though it's a barely there touch of lips to lips, ended almost as soon as it began, it makes Barney's skin tingle, and he wonders if Madame Curio put a spell on him, because he wants to kiss Ted again, and maybe again after that.

"Gentleman's code of conduct," Ted repeats in a quiet, awed voice, touching his fingertips to his lips. Barney's lips feel as though they've been stung by a bee, and Barney wonders if Ted's feel the same way.

"Hey, why'd you think I was dead?"

Ted shakes his head, and closes his eyes. "I-uh-kinda-overheard-something-on-the-radio-about -a-bombing-in-a-building-near-your-workplace-and-w hen-you-didn't-answer-the-phone-I-assumed-the-wors t." Ted's words come out so quickly that Barney has a hard time following them, and he feels like he's been sucker punched when he's finally able to parse through what Ted has said.

"Wait, what? The building next to mine?"

"Yeah, it was all over the news," Ted says, and he pours the fresh tea into the waiting mugs. Handing Barney one of them, he blows on his own tea, and peers at Barney over the lip of the mug. His cheeks are flushed once again, and he takes a cautious sip of the tea. "Mmm, what's in this?"

"Did they find out how it happened?" Barney asks, taking a sip of his own tea, and agreeing with Ted – it is a very good, smooth tea.

"They're still investigating, but the buildings next to it –yours and an apartment building – had to be evacuated." Ted takes another sip of tea, and leans against the counter, bracing himself with his elbows.

"I was worried you'd stayed late, that you'd somehow gotten hurt in the blast, or the evacuation. I was just about to call the local hospitals." Though Ted tries to laugh off his worry now that Barney's there and standing in front of him, the fact that he was worried hits home, and Barney realizes just how much he really loves Ted.

_Worry._ Barney adds the word to his mental list of what Ted has to offer their child, along with care and concern, and overprotectiveness. Barney wonders when the elixir will kick in, so that he can have that talk with Ted, and make him see that, gay or not, they are meant to raise children together.

He watches the way that Ted's throat undulates as he takes another and then another sip of tea. Barney drinks his own at a far more sedate pace, relishing the bite of the cinnamon and the smooth quality of the vanilla. There's something else there too, and Barney can't quite place it. It's sweet, like honey, and he wonders if that isn't the taste of the pollen that Madame Curio had said was in the elixir.

"This is a very unusual tea," Ted says, and he pours himself another cup. "Where'd you get it?"

"At a little shop off of Fifth," Barney rattles off the first number that comes to his mind, even though Fifth Street isn't anywhere near Madame Curio's shop. For some reason, he finds that he can't even think of the address, let alone say it.

Things start to get real fuzzy when he's halfway through his second mug of tea, and Barney worries that maybe he's poisoned the both of them after all. When the room tilts sideways, and he feels that if he doesn't sit down, he's going to topple, Barney wonders if Madame Curio is some kind of demented serial killer who lures suited men into her shop, only to kill them with a slow acting poison infused tea.

"Barney?"

Ted looks fine, and Barney wonders why only he seems to be affected by the tea and elixir. Ted's brows knit together in worry, and Barney pats Ted's cheek. He feels hot and strange and like maybe he should kiss Ted, on the lips, or take off his clothes, or maybe both.

"Are you alright?" Ted's words sound jumbled, and like they're coming to him from somewhere far away, and Barney doesn't know how to answer the question.

What he does instead, takes the both of them by surprise. He stands so quickly that his chair clatters to the floor, he's got Ted pinned to the counter, and is kissing him like he neither of them need to breathe. It feels like his veins are filled with mercury, and his blood is boiling.

"Uhng," Ted makes a sound at the back of his throat that goes straight to Barney's dick, and Barney knows now that there's something in that elixir that's making this happen, and he's not entirely certain that he minds Madame Curio's deception.

Barney is reluctant to stop kissing Ted, and Ted seems likewise disappointed when they part lips, both of them breathing heavily. Ted blinks at Barney, his pupils wide, and he doesn't protest when Barney drags him toward the bedroom. Neither of them appears to be coherent, or overly concerned with seeing each other naked when they finally shed their clothing.

Barney, losing himself in Ted, forgets all about the elixir, and the tea, and Madame Curio. He gives into his baser urges, allowing things to play out as they will. Kissing, caressing, exploring Ted's body in ways that he'd only ever dreamt of before (on the rare occasions when he'd admit to himself that he saw Ted in _that_ way).

Ted isn't at all like the women that Barney's been with – he's muscular and lean, hard where women are soft. And, he's as into this as Barney is, if not more.

Kissing and petting gives way to sex and it's an awkward, sticky, natural mess that ends with Ted screaming out Barney's name when he comes and Barney following him shortly after, with Ted's name dying on his lips. They fall asleep shortly afterward – Ted's left leg sandwiched between Barney's, his head pillowed on Barney's chest, and his hand gripping Barney's tightly.

Barney dreams of kids – a little boy and a girl – and a dog, and a white picket fence. Ted's standing beside him, as they tell their kids the story of how they met.

" _Kids, let me tell you the story of how I met your mother," he'll say, looking sidelong at Barney._

_Their son and daughter will roll their eyes at the affectionate way that Barney smacks Ted's shoulder and puts him in a headlock, but they'll listen, and they'll laugh as Ted regales them with story after story of the mishaps and trials and heartaches, of all of the ups and downs, and the turmoil that they went through to get to the part where Ted popped the question, and Barney said, "Yes."_

_He'll leave out the part about the tea and the strange elixir from Madame Curio's shop, mainly because Barney won't tell him about that. He'll let Ted think that what happened, happened because, for a little over two hours in May of 2013, he thought that he'd lost Barney to a mad bomber._

In the morning, Barney wakes feeling refreshed and wrapped up in Ted, and though he plans on returning to Madame Curio's shop to question her further on what it was that she'd given him, and what she saw when she'd looked at his palm, when he returns to that section of town, the shop is gone. When he asks about it, people look at him as though he's lost his mind.


	2. Not a Fairy Tale, but Damn Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barney doesn't know how he got to be so lucky, and why the Universe is smiling down on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by, neshapink9, who asked for an epilogue. This isn't exactly an epilogue, and it might lead to more...if people are interested, and if the Muse decides to play along.
> 
> Thank you, neshapink9. I was wondering what to write today. Hope you like this. 
> 
> This is AU, so it does not fit the timeline on the show, and it is not, by any means, perfect. Let me know if you enjoy. 
> 
> Mahalo

"She's perfect." Ted's voice is filled with awe, his eyes with tears, and Barney knows that he must look as gobsmacked as Ted when he gazes down at their baby girl. She's got a thick thatch of dark hair, ten toes, ten fingers, a tiny nose, and her eyes, barely open, are that cobalt blue common to all babies. She's perfect.

  
Barney knows that the color of her eyes will change. They'll become a warm, liquid brown, like Ted's.

  
She has almost nothing of the other donor parent in her, and Barney is grateful for that. They'd picked her out of a catalog, and, while she was beautiful and smart, Barney prefers Ted's traits: loyalty, kindness, humility...a heart that never stops giving, even when it should.

  
"Penny," Ted says, voice certain, eyes glistening with joy and excitement when he looks at Barney, seeking approval that, on some level, he has to know he already has. Barney never denies him anything.

  
Nodding, Barney repeats the name, "Penny," likes how it rolls off of his tongue. "Penny Mosby." He smiles, fingers itching to touch Ted's daughter.

  
"Mosby-Stinson," Ted says, firm, stubborn, like the set of his jaw. Like the way he'd insisted that Barney move in with him a few weeks after the elixir and tea incident. How he'd insisted that they make things official two years, five months, and ten days into their relationship, after the Supreme Court had ruled that gay couples, nationwide, had the right to marry, before Ted and Robin's contingency plan came into effect, well after Barney had fallen irreversibly in love with Ted.

  
"She's _ours_ ," Ted says, grasping Barney's hand and squeezing when Barney can't seem to find the right words. "Penny Marshall Moby-Stinson."

  
The kiss -- warm press of lips on lips, Ted's face tilted upward, eyes closed, hand on the back of Barney's neck, steady and secure -- is not unexpected, but it knocks the breath right out of Barney, and he wonders why. Why the Universe saw fit to bless him, of all people, with someone as wonderful as Ted.

  
"I love you, Barney Stinson," Ted breathes the words out against Barney's neck.

  
Barney swallows the sudden lump in his throat, draws Ted close to his side, and presses a kiss to Ted's temple. "I love you, too."

  
Their love is not a fairy tale, but, when Ted leans over, picks their baby girl up and hands her to Barney, goofy smile making him look like a complete dork, Barney thinks that it's pretty damn close.


End file.
